Ishhhhh Hockaaay

I went with a friend to watch her boyfriend's hockey game today. I've never really been interested in hockey, the most contact I've had with the sport was when I did my figure skating lessons in America and I'd go out onto the ice before lessons and race the ice hockey boys who'd stayed after their class. I was never much of a figure skater, twirling and jumping weren't my thing, I was just interested in going really fast, especially backwards. Anyway, I'm deviating from my point.

I didn't ever think I'd describe it as being an elegant sport, but it really is. When they get knocked down they seem to combine falling and getting back up into one fluid movement. And the way that the ice sprays up when they stop or turn, it's sort of magical. I got quite into it, I can understand sports crowds to a certain extent, but I've never really felt a part of one, and I'm not saying I'm a number one fan, but I felt quite comfortable in the stands. It's also quite a cool sport. I suppose there's something in sports, people all coming together, there's the competitive aspect of course, but it's also a chance for people to get together and talk about a common interest, a common passion and love. I hasten to add that ,ahem, of course it's an incredibly manly and butch sport.

On a slightly different note, I think this blog does have some sort of therapeutic property after all, I mocked it, but I've been feeling in a lot better spirits recently, I could say it's the blog, but I don't know, I suppose I've been spending time with people that I actually like, that always helps eh? But maybe being all miserable and grouchy on this thing is an outlet of some sorts, anyway, I'm off to sleep, best be getting back into the habit of waking up whilst its still, sniff, dark outside ready for school again. :( Oh holidays, how I love you. Parting is, rubbish.

Oh gosh gosh gosh struggling for a title here

Saw Wall Street 2 today. I'm not sure how I feel about that world. But it did make me think about things that I'd sort of shoved to the back of my mind. Everyone has talent and brains and looks in this modern world. So what distinguishes us from one another, what sets us apart from the crowd? It must be character right? I feel like that must be the most important thing, morals, values, and such. That brings us to another question, is there such thing as a 'perfect human being', we are all so incredibly different, so then surely everyone has a different idea of a 'perfect human being'. Is there a step by step sort of list, so that if you were to follow it, you'd become a person that everybody wanted around? Would that person be the best person? What is perfection? What should we look to be like? Surely a kind and honest person, but then there are cunning manipulative people who are much more interesting? After all, Bond would be out of a job if there were no villains.

Also, side note. I enjoy singing and guitar, in fact I use the guitar as an excuse to practice singing. I've been told I don't have a terrible voice, but I know it is nothing special and a very untrained voice. Is it possible that by practicing I'll improve to a good enough standard to become a musician. I mean its a little silly silly silly dream, but I'd like to think that there's hope right?

There's something to say about stoicism. Do you think we're a generation of whiners? We've been taught to  express every emotion or thought, to release it all into the world. But surely sometimes it is better to keep things bottled up, like a wine or booze let it fester about inside of you and develop. Sometimes something kept secret can be inspiration later in life, or sometimes expressing something you feel actually won't help anything or anyone. Who wants to listen to somebody moan all the time? I don't, that's why I don't expect for this blog to get much attention.

Off out now, for the for the first time in ages. Some angry teenage God has decided today is a good day to have a nice pair of red spots between my eyes, cuddling my nose.

I told myself so...

I always get into a bit of a funk when I've spent too much time alone just sitting around at home doing nothing. Being alone does something to you, we humans gots ta stick togetha, our whole lives are based on interaction. Anyway, drifting from the point. I went out today with friends, and I'm feeling much happier now. I've also been thinking about how I'm alright, you know. I'm going to be okay. It's the journey man. I am currently working on my personal statement, well that's a lie, I'm currently avoiding my personal statement by writing this blog post. I'm feeling more confident in my statement. I just need to do some fine tuning, add a bit here and there, and I'll be alright, yeah, I'll be alright. And worst comes to worst, I just reapply next year right?  It's 2 in the morning. I should be asleep.

Also, I was thinking a lot today, about being selfless and responsible. They are two things I aspire to be, and two things that a friend of mine has, I just thought I'd say, I admire you greatly friend who will never read this.

Self Absorbed Much?

I really am. I'm selfish and I'm rude, and self absorbed and full of shit. I mean, come on, how many posts have I done already about useless shit? I'm so wrapped up in being upset by the world and this absence of any meaning in my life, but really? I have parents and a brother, who though I hate to admit it, love me and the feelings kind of mutual. I love my whole family, and I love my friends, and I live in a beautiful country and I've seen beautiful things and places. I'm lucky. I'm really really lucky. I'm really really really lucky, That should make me happy right?

I have bursts of this happiness, but as soon as I'm alone, I start to feel like somethings not right. That the world isn't right. That I should be doing different things, seeing different places. I don't really know what happiness is though. As a kid I was really truly happy, I don't doubt it, I was happy. There are certain people and certain moments and certain things that make me feel overwhelmed with happiness, but only for a short while, before I slump back into this angry little world of mine. Is happiness supposed to be something you sustain for a long period of time, or is the best kind of happiness administered in short bursts? What is happiness?

IF I PUT THIS IN CAPITAL LETTERS WILL YOU READ?

I'm new to this, it probably shows. I have this romantic notion about blogging. I feel like I'm doing this wrong. I should be on a zealous quest of some sort, like whatsherface Julie Powell or Cowell or something offa Julie & Julia, or documenting my journeys across the African plains. The truth is, I'm not sure where this blog is headed, just like I'm nots sure where anything I'm doing is headed. I'm scared a little. I know that I know nothing about the world, especially about the world I'm most interested in. I'm equally as excited though. It's just, I'm not especially good at anything really, I don't have a talent that I'm better at than most people. I wish I could sing, or even play the guitar so as to bring tears to any listeners eyes. I'm not complaining about what I have. I'm happy enough. What's the point in complaining really though? It doesn't help anyone or anything. You deal. I've though a lot about two career paths, though both relatively broad. Films. I'd love to be involved in films, acting, but I doubt it. It just seems like such a fantastic thing to be involved in. The others writing, but I reckon that could easily be combined with the film thing. I don't think in anyway that I'm a good writer, and I think that a blog is the perfect forum for me to improve my writing. I can have people tell me I'm terrible and shit, or tell me I'm competent, or that I'm alright. Once I know where I stand, I can go from there, right?

That was a massive paragraph. Why would anyone read this? I'm not sure, I just sound miserable. I'm not, not really. Well, I'm not exactly happy either. I'm just floating. I wouldn't blame anyone for not reading this, because reading this doesn't make your day any better, and isn't that why people read things on the internet? So I apologize to you reader. I should stop referring to readers, at least until I have a subscriber.

I'm not going to go back an edit that, as much as I'd like to, because it probably sounds terrible and is riddled with mistakes, but I'm so tired and my eyes are so sleepy. I'm going to go and watch the end of my film and shut me eyes. Nightie night Interweb.

Three Blogs in a Row, that's gotta be desperate right?

Okay, last thing today, I swear.

I've been doing nothing with myself, nothing productive. Just loafing around. Anyway. I think that if I put something on the internet its permanent, and substantial somehow because once on the internet you can always find something right? Even if this blog was deleted, if I someone really wanted to they could find this again. Right? So therefore if I say I'm going to do something on this blog, on the internet, I pretty much have to because if I don't there will be evidence of my slobness forever floating around in the web. So one step at a time... Today, I'm going to shower and leave my house, get some new boots to replace my old scuffed up ones, bring an book, sit down at a cafe and just read. I know, it sounds terrible lolsypants, but the easy temptation of staying in my pyjamas munching and surfing the web in bed all day will be my downfall.